Many professionals struggle with one of two extremes.
Some say too little. They hold back, soften their message, or avoid difficult conversations altogether.
Others push too hard. They interrupt, blame, criticize, or try to win at the other person’s expense.
Neither approach works well.
Assertive communication means expressing your thoughts, needs, and boundaries clearly while treating the other person with respect. It is not about being forceful. It is about being clear.
Brenda de Jong-Pauley, MA
Director, The English Center
Published September 2026
Passive language often comes from good intentions.
You may hold back because you want to avoid conflict or worry about hurting someone’s feelings. You may fear damaging a relationship or believe your opinion doesn’t matter. You may feel uncomfortable challenging someone with more authority or be new to the company and unsure of your place. You may also worry about negative consequences, including losing your job.
These concerns are understandable.
The problem is that habitual passivity often leads to frustration, resentment, and missed opportunities. People cannot respond to needs you never express.
Being assertive is a skill. Like any skill, it improves with practice.
Assertive communication is:
It communicates self-respect without disrespecting anyone else.
In practice, that means:
It also means being aware of habits on the passive end that undermine you: minimizing your own needs, apologizing for having an opinion, or giving away your power to avoid discomfort.
On the aggressive end, it means avoiding habits that damage working relationships: attacking, judging, blaming, or spending too much time reliving the past instead of solving the problem.
Sometimes you genuinely don’t care about the outcome. Sometimes another person’s idea is simply better. Choosing not to push your own preference can be perfectly appropriate.
The important thing is that it is a conscious choice—not a habit born from fear or uncertainty.
The right message delivered at the wrong moment often fails.
Some conversations belong in private. Some should wait until emotions have cooled. Choosing the right time is part of communicating well.
Speaking up does not guarantee you’ll get what you want. Occasionally, you may be ignored, challenged, or even criticized.
But professionals who never speak up rarely influence decisions, develop leadership presence, or earn the trust that comes from honest communication.
The difference between passive and assertive language is often smaller than people expect. Here are some common workplace situations.
Passive:
“It’s okay if you don’t have time. I’ll just do it myself.”
Assertive:
“I’d appreciate your help with this project. I know you’re busy. Can we look together at how we might fit it in?”
Passive:
“Whatever you decide is fine with me.”
Assertive:
“I like that direction. I’d also like to share another idea before we decide.”
Passive:
“It’s fine if I don’t get to speak.”
Assertive:
“I’d like to give a brief update on our progress. Could we find a few minutes on the agenda?”
Passive:
Allowing one person to dominate.
Assertive:
“Let’s park that topic for now so we can cover the rest of today’s agenda.”
Passive:
“Whatever you think is probably right.”
Assertive:
“I see it differently. Let me explain how I reached my conclusion.”
Passive:
“No, I’m fine. It didn’t bother me.”
Assertive:
“That was stronger feedback than I expected. I’d like some time to think about it before I respond.”
Passive:
“I didn’t really want that project anyway.”
Assertive:
“I had hoped to get that assignment, so I’m disappointed. I’ll prepare well for the next opportunity.”
Passive aggression sounds polite on the surface but communicates resentment underneath. Instead of solving problems, it creates new ones.
Passive-aggressive:
“I guess you didn’t want to hear my comments in the meeting.”
Assertive:
“I was disappointed that I didn’t get a chance to contribute. What can I do next time to make sure I have an opportunity to speak?”
Passive-aggressive:
“You must have been exhausted when you wrote this.”
Assertive:
“I’d be happy to help edit this if that would be useful.”
Passive-aggressive:
“Sure... I don’t mind working all weekend.”
Assertive:
“I understand the urgency, but I’m not available this weekend.”
Passive-aggressive through gossip:
“George, let me tell you what Susan did.”
Assertive:
“Susan, I’d like to discuss something that bothered me. Do you have a few minutes?”
Assertiveness is not about winning.
It is not about dominating conversations or getting your own way every time.
It is about expressing yourself honestly, respectfully, and clearly enough that other people understand what you think, what you need, and where you stand.
That is an important part of clear, respectful professional communication.
Do you need to communicate more assertively at work? Our spoken business English training is tailored to your needs and goals by a native-speaker trainer.
You can work with an experienced English trainer online or at one of our locations:
Amsterdam (near Vondelpark or Central Station)
Amstelveen (easy parking, quiet setting)
The Hague (Zuid-Holland’s choice for English training)
Hoofddorp (close to Schiphol, central, accessible, modern)
Prefer a virtual course? Contact us about English Center courses online
About the author:
Brenda de Jong-Pauley is the founder of The English Center in the Netherlands, where she has worked with international professionals since 2009. Originally from the United States, she lives and works in the Netherlands, supporting professionals in developing clear, confident English for real business situations.
Brenda holds a Master’s degree in Psychology (focused on persuasive communication) and a Bachelor’s in Education. She specializes in high-level business communication and spoken English.
Edited by A. Roberts, Trainer with The English Center. She holds a BA in English Literature.
The English Center is a CEDEO-recognized training provider, working with professionals and teams from international and Dutch companies and municipalities.
